


Those Who Are Broken

by NotEvenThat



Series: Canon Based Fics [9]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (kind of? as in he doesn't have magic), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Denial, Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Good Boyfriend Alec Lightwood, Guilt, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, Magicless Magnus Bane, Mundane Magnus Bane, POV Magnus Bane, Past Child Abuse, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Supportive Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 09:00:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14745840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotEvenThat/pseuds/NotEvenThat
Summary: Magnus didn't tell Alec what he had given up for two days but when he did, he shattered and Alec was there to catch him.





	Those Who Are Broken

The days that followed the battle with Lilith went by in a haze of meetings, of mourning the dead, of conversations cut short by frantic impossible to ignore phone calls from people far too out of breath for so early in the morning. At least, for one of them it was. Alexander had been unconscious for the twelve hours following his near-death experience and then the second he’d woken up, he’d been dragged into the aftermath and everything that was required of the Head of the Institute following something as earth-shatteringly catastrophic as Lilith's wake. Magnus didn’t think he’d stopped moving from the moment his feet had hit the floor.

They’d barely seen each other since he’d left the infirmary. He called and texted and came to the loft in the few moments when things calmed down but he was never able to stay long enough to do anything more than kiss Magnus, ask if he was okay and look doubtful when Magnus said he was.

Magnus was sure that if Alec knew, he’d clear every meeting, he’d tell the Clave to go to hell, he’d leave the Institute unattended and he’d stay at Magnus’ side being the perfect boyfriend and doing everything in his power to make Magnus feel better.

Alec didn’t know though. Magnus hadn’t told him. Not yet and he’d made Jace promise not to tell him either. He told him that he wanted to tell Alec himself. That he didn’t want Alec to hear what Magnus had given up from anyone else and that was partly true but mostly, Magnus wasn’t ready to say it again. He wasn’t ready to face the reality of what had happened. The words had come out of him to Jace thoughtlessly, when he’d needed to explain why he couldn’t help his dying boyfriend- Jace’s Parabatai- but now, in the stillness that followed that horrible night, he didn’t think he was ready to say it again.

He could almost pretend that nothing had changed. He could almost pretend that nothing at all had happened, that he hadn’t gone to his father, that he hadn’t given up the one thing that made Magnus’ life valuable, that gave him purpose, that let him rectify all of the horrible things he had done when he was too young to understand why he shouldn’t.

Magnus’ whole life he’d been desperate to make things right again, to do enough good to overshadow the bad he had done. He’d never been able too, at least not in his mind. He’d helped so many people but the list of those he’d wronged seemed to loom so much larger and grow so steadily, despite everything Magnus did to try and stop it. The lives of those he helped could never outweigh those he’d hurt, those who had suffered and died because of him. His mother, his stepfather, the countless mundane who had been killed by his father as Magnus watched and did _nothing._

And now Jace. Now, he had one more person to add that list and he might as well throw Clary on there too because Magnus knew if Jace had been himself, if Magnus hadn’t helped Lilith, there was no way Jace would have let Clary die. The fact that Magnus was able to save one of them meant nothing. It didn’t even compare to the harm he’d caused and now, he was left utterly useless with absolutely no way to even try to fix every horrible thing he had put into the world.

Magnus’ fate was set. The scale he’d been trying to tip his whole life had been frozen in place because he was useless to ever do good again, to ever do enough to remedy the horrible things that had happened at his hands. It was ironic, really. He’d spent his whole life fighting to be better than the person he was with his father and in the end, it was still his father who damned him, irreversibly.

It took two days for Magnus to tell Alec and in those two days, he pretended. He pretended that he was simply choosing to do things without his magic. He pretended that Asmodeus and every moment Magnus had shared with him wasn’t flashing behind his eyes, every time they shut. He pretended that nothing was wrong and because of that, he justified not telling anyone.

Even Catarina, he had simply told her that he had used too much magic and couldn’t heal Alec himself. She hadn’t believed him. She knew something else was wrong. She tried to ask what he had traded Asmodeus with but she had a child to take care of. She couldn’t worry about Magnus all night and Magnus used that to his advantage.

Alec didn’t believe him either. He was a good boyfriend. He knew something was wrong but he didn’t press Magnus to tell him. He was probably worried about pushing him too far. He probably thought it would be better to give Magnus some space for a while but eventually, even that patience ran thin and Alec finally asked one morning, two days after that dreadful battle against Lilith.

He had undoubtedly noticed Magnus hadn’t been using his magic but Magnus doubted the truth had occurred him. Magnus was nothing without his magic. Alec knew that even if he would never say it out loud. Magnus was nothing without it, so the thought of him standing there still after what had happened was almost inconceivable. Magnus didn’t blame him for not realizing.

“I gave up my magic to save Jace.” It was a simple sentence and he said it like it held none of the weight behind the words, like it meant nothing, like he was asking Alec what he wanted to eat or telling him about something that had happened earlier in the day, not at all like the terrible thing he was saying. His back was turned to Alec, his eyes looking out the dark grand windows that let him look down into the city instead of towards his lover. He didn’t want to see Alec’s face when he realized. He didn’t want to see what he was thinking.

Magnus had known that it was true. He was never one to lie to himself, not to the point of complete denial. He had known what had happened all along but saying it out loud again, admitting it to someone again- something in Magnus’ chest broke and that tight knot inside of him eased and then cracked open, letting every terrible emotion he’d forced down flood out all at once. Magnus didn’t even realize he was crying until the sob caught in his throat and Alec’s arms came around him, holding him as his own legs gave out.

In that moment, Magnus grieved for the first time since it happened: He grieved for Clary. He grieved for Jace and what Magnus had done to him. He grieved for everything he had lost. He grieved for the potential that had been taken from him. He grieved for ‘ _Magnus Bane; The High Warlock of Brooklyn._ ’ He grieved for the redemption he’d never earn and finally, he grieved for a little boy who didn’t know any better than to trust his father, a little boy who was so desperate to be loved that he ignored the painful throb in his chest that told him _something was wrong._

Hours later, when his eyes opened and he sucked in the first full breath he’d been able to take since the first sob wracked his body, he found himself in Alec’s arms, safer and more content than he’d felt in since this all began. Nothing in the world was going to be harder than the weeks to come, than accepting that everything he thought of himself was different now, than learning how to live now that everything had changed but for that one moment, Magnus let himself close his eyes again and just breath in Alec’s warmth; not denying or ignoring what had happened but simply letting himself rest, knowing he and Alexander could deal with it later.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally something completely different, something far more plot-filled but as I always seem to be, I was pulling into Magnus' thoughts. 
> 
> (Psst- follow me on Tumblr at 'Facialteeth'.)


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